Valerie Stowell
  • Female
  • Fincastle, VA
  • United States
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Hey is anyone on here tonight...
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Is anyone on here? It's one of those nights that I could just use someone to talk to.  I think my family and friends are going to kill me if I talk about this anymore with them...

Started this discussion. Last reply by Angela S. Apr 27, 2010.

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About Me:
My name is Valerie and I live in Virginia. I am 25 years old. This is difficult for me because I am a counselor and a clinical supervisor... I work with people that have problems all day and am able to help them... I just can't help myself. I don't really know what else to say.
About my Loss:
My Dad was diagnosed with cancer Summer of 2008. The treatment was very fast and radical and included things such as the doctors removing his whole nose. I was one of two caretakers for him. As time went on he got a lot better and things were looking good... until cancer was found in his throat. Until they could operate on it the doctors suggested a tempoary tracheotomy. With a tracheotomy, the tube needs to be suctioned out every so often. He indicated to my mother that he needed it cleaned out and she went t get the machine to suction it but the hospital (the VA hospital, Dad was a veteran) forgot to send the suction machine. We live in a pretty rural area. My mother called me and told me to come over, which took me less than 5 minutes to get to her house and I just stood there and watched him suffocate. I am trained in CPR for my job but my Dad still hadn't had reconstructive surgery on his nose and I felt so helpless. I didn't know how to do CPR on someone with no nose. I am so angry. I blame myself, I don't know where to place blame. I feel like I have had such bad experiences with death starting from when I was five and fell asleep on my grandfathers lap. I woke up and he was dead and that it my first memory of childhood. Or when I was 19 and my uncle and I were at Disney in Florida and he just died while we were walking around. There has been so much and I don't know where to place the blame or the anger. It's so frustrating when I am having an amazing day and a song comes on or I see a picture and it's just over. I feel the loss all over again and I smell the smells and I'm back in that moment where my life feels like it ended. As a result of my grief I have lost a lot of relationships with friends who I have pushed away and a four year relationship with my fiance. I just need to deal with my own grief before I can let new people in my life I think.

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At 11:10pm on October 24, 2013, Lisa Westgate said…

Just stopping in to say hello.  I hope you are doing well and when you are on again I'd love to catch up. Hugs.

 

At 8:45am on December 18, 2010, Lisa Westgate said…

Just saying hello. Thinking of you.

At 8:57pm on November 16, 2010, Lisa Westgate said…
Hi Valerie. Just checking in to see how you are doing. I know it's always nice to know someone is thinking of you. Hope life is calm. Say hi next time we are both on. Lisa
At 9:08pm on October 19, 2010, Rebekah said…
Hi, I read your profile. I lost my Dad too on Feb. 11, 2010. I was very close to him. He had a downhill struggle with an illness called transverse myelitis. If you ever want to talk... chat me up on here. I think we could really relate to each other.
 
 
 

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